Being scared is not a sufficient reason to be alone.

Insight Online News / By Rhia Nichols

Iused to be the girl who spent her whole life in long-term relationships. Then one day I grew tired of being heartbroken and simply stopped.

I stopped gazing, wondering, and desiring. That sensation was so refreshing for a while!

Nobody was wondering where I was, what I was doing, or who I was speaking with. Nobody could keep me up at night or make me sob myself to sleep.

It was everything I had been looking for. Then, as time passed, things started to alter.

Six months off went into a year, which turned into two. I had forgotten what it felt like to be with someone or to have someone inquire about how my day was going.

A twinge of loneliness would pierce through my strong shell every now and again, but not frequently. Then I noticed you.

I couldn’t determine if I liked you or not, but for the first time in a long time, I found myself thinking about someone else. You were unlike anybody I’d ever met before, but that might be a good thing.

You spoke excessively and stated anything that came to mind. You chuckled and told me about your life as if it were an open book that I could read.

You were everything I didn’t know about.

I couldn’t figure out why you were bothering me for days, if not weeks. I couldn’t get away from the idea that, despite how different you were from what I was used to, I needed you in my life.

For the first time in what felt like an eternity, I began to seek the companionship of someone else.
I wished for someone to inquire about my day and to make supper with me. I was looking for someone to sleep in late on weekends and watch movies with all night.

It was scary because I wanted all of these things because of you.

The issue with desiring so much so soon was that it never felt attainable. You had barely entered my universe and yet you had rocked it to its core.

I had no idea what you wanted, and after spending so much time alone, I didn’t know how to ask. Worse, I had no idea what I desired.

The prospect of having someone that near to me again was terrifying, so I shoved you to the back of my mind. Every day, I woke up and blocked away the thought of us.

Before I knew it, the flame that had sparked my interest had faded.

That’s when I understood I wasn’t alone because I wanted some space, but because I was afraid of getting harmed.

It was simpler to shut you out before you ever started because the thought of being told that I wasn’t adequate one more time was enough to shatter me.

When living on your own gets easier merely because you’re afraid, you know you’re not doing it correctly. Love is frightening, but it is also the most gratifying thing in the world.

I’d spent so long forgetting that in trying to protect myself, but all I’d accomplished was to keep myself from falling for someone worth falling for.

Take as much room as you need if you need it. It’s just as vital not to give up on something so lovely because, as the saying goes, the greater the risk, the greater the gain.

Learn from my errors and recognize when it’s time to put yourself out there again. Someday, you’ll realize that all of your sufferings were worthwhile.

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